Today: “The Last House on the Left (2009)” reviewed by Claudia Puig of USA Today.

Hola, Claudia! Let’s see what we have here:

‘Last House on the Left’ is condemnable

Steer as clear as you possibly can from The Last House on the Left.

Not only is it plodding and completely predictable, the carnage is rendered slowly and quasi-reverentially, making the whole brutal experience come off like torture porn.

And that’s the whole point of the movie. A middle-aged couple find out that their daughter has been savagely beaten, raped and left for dead. Later, they realize they may be able to kill the criminals responsible for that. The catch is, of course, that their bloody revenge is itself very savage. Hence the whole film: you torture my daughter, we show you what a well-educated family can do. It’s amazing, Claudia, that you failed to see this whole point and instead decided to take on the more obvious bits.

No doubt due to the increasingly graphic style of such horror movies as the Saw series, this Wes Craven remake has become even more grisly and sadistic.

A drawn-out rape scene is especially heinous. Knifings and other mutilations are shot in almost slow motion to heighten their effect.

Rape is supposed to be heinous, isn’t it? I think you are confusing the medium with the intent. The medium (showing atrocities) is not the same as the intent (provoke an emotional response.) It’s not torture for the sake of torture as you seem to have misunderstood, but rather it’s a way of getting you to the edge of the seat and wanting to look away, while at the same time knowing that you are just like the characters in the film, and you know what’s going to happen, but you want to stay for the ride and the sensations and ideas that spring as you watch the movie: What would I do in this situation? Would I be able to kill someone if he did something like that? Can people really be that evil? How far away are we really from animals? etc etc.

The idea is to show just how far a pair of ordinary folks will go to exact revenge on a trio of psychopaths who have violated and shot their daughter. But they seem to almost enjoy the vengeance. Their daughter lies clinging to life, but her parents seem more focused on revenge than on helping her.

Again, you seem to have misunderstood the whole point.

Tony Goldwyn and Monica Potter play the parents, John and Emma, and Sara Paxton is their daughter Mari, 17. Shortly after they arrive at their remote lake house for a vacation, Mari visits her friend Paige (Martha MacIsaac). Soon, the two girls are sharing a joint in a seedy motel room with Justin (Spencer Treat Clark), a man they just met. They are having a hazy, pleasant time until they’re interrupted by Justin’s malicious father, Giles (Joshua Cox), escaped-convict uncle Krug (Garret Dillahunt) and their friend Sadie (Riki Lindhome), all of whom have just committed a double murder. The unsavory trio then takes Mari and Paige for a creepy ride.

Paige is brutally and repeatedly assaulted and Mari is the victim of a vicious rape. Giles tries to force his son to participate in the rape. When Justin refuses, Giles mocks and brutalizes him.

They leave Mari for dead and look for refuge. It’s a dark and stormy night as the threesome arrives at John and Emma’s, who, of course, let them in. Lightning strikes, the power goes out and the gang are invited to bunk in the guest house. No good can ever come from that.

This is one of those movies that elicit audience cheers when a gruesome moment of vengeance occurs. Some would argue it provides a kind of catharsis. But with all its repugnant and fetishized violence, the best outcome would be to see The Last House on the Left go into foreclosure.

Let me put it this way: If you can’t look past the medium (i.e., showing repugnant, fetishized violence) and see the actual message, this movie is definitely not for you. Maybe you should stick to reviewing more family-friendly  Hollywood Hogwash?

Also, I’m pretty amazed that you didn’t compare it to the original. How can you review this film without it? You could have said that, since the 1970s are long gone, this version feels like it has nothing to do in our days. And you would have a point. From there you could have discussed many very interesting points about our society today. Instead, you give us this. How very sad.

By the way… closing with another bad pun (bad pun #3.) Shame on you.

So, how does this review rate?

“The Last House on the Left (2009)” reviewed by Claudia Puig of USA Today.

One star out of five.

Author had low tolerance for things that happen in real life but don’t happen to her.

Should not be reviewing anything more hardcore than 2-hour films of Lassie eating lemon cupcakes.

Contains 3 horrible puns.

Good description of the creepiness of the film, takes one star.

You can almost feel our ancestors in it.

This got me thinking: maybe we should use that occasion to celebrate Evolution!  How about that? Change Christmas from some annoying Christian thing to a natural, evolutionary celebration!!! Wouldn’t that be awesome?? We could change Santa to Darwin!!! And Darwin would fly around, riding The Beagle!!! He could deliver books and educational toys to our youngsters, and guns to the neighbors of ignorant religious families!!

It would be so awesome. We could even reuse the Santa beards!

‘Blond Angel of Death’ Alfredo Astiz released

Pathetic.

1. Stop banning ham and other foods, ban asparagus and Brussels sprouts instead.
2. Stop pretending there’s a God.
3. Kill all Jewish moms (except mine)
4. Stop spoiling jewish girls (thus turning them into jewish moms.)

Easier said than done!

I got one of  those cans of cheap non-spam-brand spam from the supermarket and tried to open it by pulling its metal tail, but the tail came off and now the spam is trapped forever in its shiny skin.

This is actually the first time I’ve ever seen this sort of open-able can. I’ve always used the other, non-gay sort.

So, what the fuck do I do now? I don’t see any rocks I can beat the can with.

http://www.time.com/time/arts/article/0,8599,1866091,00.html

Seriously now, they should be shot for remaking this movie.

George W. Bush: LOLFAG

Dedicated to my good friend amnesiac!

Very, very funny!!

The CGI effects look cheesy. The zombies all look alike, and they are bald, in an obvious attempt to free the computers from rendering the zombies’ hair.

The back story is told with a few awfully placed flashbacks. Really unimaginative.

Oh, and that bit about Will Smith being the last man on Earth? Well, turns out he is not. He has a dog. But then the dog dies. And then a woman and a kid find him. And then god finds them all. But Will Smith has to die before saving humanity.

I am very glad I downloaded it off the net. I wouldn’t pay a cent to the fat assholes who made this disgrace of a movie. It insulted my intelligence and made me physically sick.

Talk to your doctor before watching it.